Arranged marriages: what we could have avoided.
My dad recently received an e-mail from an old friend, whom he hadn’t talked to in decades. The typical pleasantries were exchanged, until the e-mail thread took a turn for the interesting: His friend included an informal request for assistance in arranging marriage for his two oldest daughters. Here’s an excerpt from the e-mail:
We, including our daughters, are still looking for Muslim boys for our 2 daughters. If you know someone that would make a suitable match we would very much appreciate a suggestion or a reference from you.
The e-mail provided a picture of each daughter (age 32 and 34), described their physical qualities, and explained their educational/work backgrounds, and their interests. It concluded with the parents’ names and contact information.
This tradition may seem outdated and culturally irrelevant, but it is still part of some Americans’ lives.
Photo taken by my talented husband. See more at nicklambphotography.com.
I can see the benefits. I am blissfully married now, but it was a long journey to get here. In high school, I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye, followed by, indeed kissing it goodbye. The next several years were marked by a cross ring on my left ring finger to loudly proclaim my dedication to Jesus (or to adorn a very naked finger that reassured me I was alone by choice). For Christians who remain on this path, their marriages may end up being semi-arranged — by friends, pastors, parents, etc.
When I realized mid-way through college that being a Christian didn’t mean I had to close the door on dating, no one was aknockin’ so it didn’t matter anyway.
So dating started a little late for me, but it wasn’t without pitfalls. Had I asked my parents to find me a husband, I might have avoided some awkward and unpleasant situations.
One dating moment I wish I could take back? When my neighbor who took me out for the first time described what he does for a living. Amateur UFC didn’t mean much to me, but a description of cage fighting elicited a look of horror that I couldn’t fully wipe off my face. Oops. Sorry, guy.
Your turn. What dating pitfalls do you wish you had avoided?
I think I could have seriously done without dating in high school…period. In high school, you have no idea what you want. Maybe all you know is that you are “supposed to” be dating someone. Every relationship I had then, in retrospect, was pretty shallow. However, at that time they seemed significant. I am not sure how I feel about arranged marriages, because sometimes I feel that all of those dating mistakes helped me learn what it was that I really wanted out of a husband. Plus, I think you would have to be very, very close to and open with your parents for them to be able to find a suitable mate for you. For example, my dad’s idea of a perfect man for me is probably far different from mine. He would want to see me treated like a princess, e.g. opening doors, doted on, showered with gifts (not saying that my husband doesn’t do this sometimes). Whereas, I do not think I could have a long term relationship with someone who treated me like that all of the time, I would rather be treated as a equal. This is probably something I would never had known if I hadn’t dated other people. My dad and I are pretty close, but this is one thing he would really get wrong.
I can see some positive aspects to arranged marriages as long as I am the one arranging! Ha! I would not have wanted my parents to arrange my marriage though… Maybe if as parents we just listed some requirements for future mates instead of picking THE ONE… Hmmmm… smart, funny, industrious, takes initiative, loving, romantic… you get the idea! On second thought our children might stay single a very long time that way!
I agree that my parents (especially my dad) would be way off on what I would want in a husband. I think arranged marriages might be more effective in cultures that value family relationships over individualism. People in our generation seem to have set out to be different from our parents, not to follow in their footsteps, so we are proud that everything from our lifestyles to our desires are different than theirs.
And if an arranged marriage fails, that’s one more woe to blame on the parents! I wouldn’t want that pressure, as a (future) parent.
my biggest dating pitfall was reading the same stupid book you did.
I have a pitfall that I would rather have avoided. There was an incident while salsa dancing when I realized that my shirt kind of smelled really bad. It didn’t smell at all when I put it on, but once the dancing got started, my sweat must have activated some sort of stink in the shirt. Well, while we were dancing another guy asked if he could dance with my date, so I obliged. I went and stood off to the side and took a breather, hoping nobody would smell me. Well, only did I find this out later, but my date told me that when she was dancing with the other guy she looked over and there were two girls behind me waving their hands in front of their noses making faces of disgust and then walked away because my shirt smelled so bad. Ouch, that was a blow to my ego, glad I don’t have to go through that anymore.