Again, with the puppy?

Yes, again, with the puppy. She has caused me more barking-related stress and pee clean-up in the past weeks than in my 26 years combined. I’m convinced that raising Labrador puppies is one of life’s harder tasks, and few people make it out with their sanity and carpet intact.

My theory is that Jesus’ parents felt so bad after they left him at the temple in Jerusalem for three days, they bought him a little lab puppy to make up for it. The ensuing training and adjustment for Jesus was so difficult and messy, the Bible just left it all out, and skipped ahead to when Jesus was 30.

Here’s what I’ve found, so far, to be the ironies of raising a puppy:

1. I actually DELIGHT in watching Kona eat a huge grasshopper, because I know it’s not a hard rock that will crack her tooth and cost us $650 in vet bills.

2. I enjoy working late, because I know that the Hubs will get home first to let the critter out of her crate, dealing with the possible accident and inevitable pent-up energy.

3. I LOVE having a puppy when she’s tuckered out and lies down at my feet to take a nap. That happens about 5.4% of the time.

4. Even with the nighttime potty trips and revolving our lives around a pup, we’re not ready for a baby. After the Hubs set up a system with our web cam to watch Kona in her crate while we’re at work, he decided he should invent a similar audio system to listen to your sleeping baby while you’re at work. Then I reminded him we won’t leave a baby at home while we’re at work. We’ll hold off on babies for awhile.

5. Labs have separation anxiety, which means they’ll bark like crazy to come inside or get out of their crate, only to run into another room out of visibility to pee on the carpet.

6. We used to call her “Kona Puppy” in a high, loving voice to get her attention. Now I mutter nicknames at her out of frustration that would make your grandma blush and your grandpa chuckle.

7. In my moments of clarity, i.e. now, when Kona’s napping and everything is right with the world, I’m confident that we’ll come out of this tough phase appreciating our dog and knowing how to be good owners. And we’ll love her at least 94.6% of the time.

Here’s a clip of a typical moment in our household. Notice the Hubs, sitting in resignation, the cone on Kona’s head, the unkempt house — because attempts at organization and sanitation are futile — and the last few seconds, as Kona disappears to get into trouble.